He Said, She Said

ABC’S OF SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS:Acceptance, Boundaries and Communication  By Ellen Chute, LMSW, ACSW Pick up any popular magazine or daily newspaper and chances are, you’ll see front page cover stories about the rocky relationships of everyone from elected officials to famous (or should I say infamous) Hollywood celebrities. It is clear that we are fascinated by the intimate, and often sordid, sad details, of the personal lives of those who, at least outwardly, seem to have it all. What quickly becomes undeniable is that rich or poor, well-known or unknown, relationships inevitably hit rough patches that expose our innermost vulnerabilities.   As scary as that sounds, I believe that our true character is revealed within the context of relationships. When the initial honeymoon phase of any relationship ends (and believe me, it will), we discover whether or not we are able to accept our partner for who they are and if we have the ability to be tolerant of our partner’s unique habits and issues.  This important relational skill draws from very important parts of our ‘selves.’  In order to be tolerant of another’s comments or actions, we must have the ability not to take things personally.  For instance, in my marriage to my husband, Paul, he often forgets to do things I ask of him. I’m sure many of you can relate to this scenario! But I must be able to tell myself that his forgetfulness has nothing to do with whether he cares about me or how much he loves and respects me. I need to stop and consider that perhaps he had a really busy day, got bogged down with other responsibilities or even started but didn’t finish doing whatever tasks I had requested of him. It is so easy to take things personally, especially if I ask him numerous times and he still forgets (but somehow manages to remember those things that are important to him)!  However I need to remember that it will not be helpful for our marriage if I take what seems like dismissive behavior toward me personally.  It will only foster anger, resentment, and corrode the other overwhelmingly positive feelings we have for each other.   This leads me to the second necessary relational skill any successful relationship must have which is the ability to set boundaries. Back to my example, if Paul has ‘forgotten’ my request for the tenth time in two weeks, my response must be straightforward and to the point. Pouting, nagging, or criticizing him may be unpleasant for him (not to mention for me), but are general enough to typically be ignored. My response must instead be behavior changing. Since every relationship and couple are different, I must be able to recognize what I must do to elicit the response or action I desire. For me, in my relationship with Paul, a conversation about how it hurts me when I feel I’m being disregarded or dismissed every time he forgets my requests will usually provoke behavior change on his part. When you are able to set boundaries, it means that you insist on behavior change, and that you know that you can impact what has become a negative situation in your mind in a positive way.  And how is this done? With straightforward, simple communication. Talk to one another lovingly and respectfully, not in anger or frustration. Speak clearly and honestly. When you say exactly what you mean, it leaves little wiggle room for confusion or misunderstanding.